I want to show you the evolution of this poem. It was written last year, while I was pining away for this girl like a ridiculous romantic heroine staring out into the sun, and I wanted to conflate pining for her with the feeling of looking for a specific word. As I'm sure you can imagine, it sucked. But, for fun, I figured I'd post the entire 5 page monstrosity, feel free to scroll down if you want to see how it is now.
ORIGINAL
Untitled
Words can be so beautiful
Hold so much meaning.
I want to be beautiful
I want to be meaningful.
I hold them to my chest,
I cram them into my mouth
I rub them into my skin
I want to subsume them
I want them to become a part of me
I want to burn them into my skin
To etch them there for eternity
I want
I want
I WANT
And yet I cannot say.
I find myself flailing about,
The right ones just out of reach,
Tip of the tongue.
Maybe,
If I carve them into my bones,
If I scratch them into my skin,
If I cram them down my throat,
I’ll find the right ones
To quell this burning in my chest,
To wield beauty and terror,
To be meaningful.
To be
I shall build armor of letters
I shall wield a sword of beauty
My tongue shall be quick
Sharp
All shall look upon me and weep
In terror and awe
And I shall become some
Immortal hand or I
Shall be something
I shall be
I’ll write
Exactly what I’m meant to write
(This strange, heart-rending feeling,
This ecstasy mixed with terror,
Tears that don’t quite come,
Laughter that burbles and dies,
Words clipped and sharp.
Inexplicable, inexpressible)
There is no way to tear out my beating heart,
To meld my mind into yours,
To pull you into me,
To scream what I want to say.
Perhaps if I was better,
If I was a Poet
And not just a girl
Who lives in a closet
Sometimes I mouth words just to feel them
(I can’t explain it I can’t describe it
Do you know how many times I’ve set pen to paper?)
It’s like a taste, but there’s no flavor.
A delight in the motion of tongue and tooth,
A strange burning in my chest
Only to be quenched by words
I am a thirsty thing
I am a vampire who feeds on letters
Sibilant sounds and flicking tongues
I am unquenchable
And I burn
And I yearn
There is so much to say
I don’t know what I’m supposed to say
I don’t know what I yearn to say
There is just the constant burning
The slow fire,
A demand from my essence
(But what does it want?
What words will quench my thirst?
What is it I desire to say?
What have I been made to say?)
What have I been made to say?)
If I burn the words into my skin
If I stick them into my marrow
If I cram them down my greedy throat,
If I hold them to my chest while I sleep,
Will it stop? Will it end?
Do I want it to end?
My idle hand loops on my thighs
The bony protrusion at my ankle
My throat where the pulse jumps
My chapped and bitten lips
My pale ribs
My collarbone
Writing, always writing
But what have I to say?
What words are there to express this?
How can I show you?
What words are there to express this?
How can I show you?
How do I explain?
Why do I desire this so?
Why can’t I find the words to tell you?
**********
Okay, so I reread that poem and decided that it had far too many metaphors for it to be able to track, and I decided to edit it down. Here's the revision:
A Burning Desire
I am a thirsty thing
who feeds on letters
Sibilant sounds and flicking tongues
I am a greedy thing
Who will never stop
Never have their fill.
I delight in the motion of tooth and tongue
The sharp snap of a k
The warm caress of an s,
Which soothes me only for a moment
Before I burn once more
Consumed by desire.
If I burn every word into my skin
If I stick them into my marrow
If I cram them down my greedy throat,
If I hold them to my chest while I sleep,
Will it stop? Will it end?
And could I bear to live without this burning?
******
I like that version a whole lot better, but it still needs to be cleaned up a little bit. I've already made a couple changes from this version, and I'll be sure to update if anything dramatic happens! This has been a fun exercise, and that's honestly how a lot of poetry writing goes for me. I like to do long free writes where I try to express myself freely, and then edit it down to the most powerful images. Honestly, I think I could take a couple other metaphors from the original and make it into a separate poem, I really like the part about armor and weaponry. We'll see! Thanks for following along, Y'all! I'm excited to write some more!
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